WHEN YOU SEE ‘RED’!

© Rhoberta Shaler, PhD

Speak when you’re angry and you’ll often make one of the best speeches you’ll ever regret!

What do you do when you are feeling angry? Do you know how to express your feelings in ways that are clear and assertive? Do you know how to manage the conflict AND retain the relationship? Many folks don't and one of two things usually happen: they hold the anger in and it then sneaks out in strange inappropriate ways over innocent by-standers, or, they explode create chaos and pain. Neither of these are healthy alternatives.

ANGER TRIGGERS

Anger is an arousal in the body that is triggered by frustration, fear or hurt.

As that arousal escalates, your body goes into the stress response. When that arousal raises your heart rate to about 120 to 150 beats per minute, the blood from the frontal lobes of your brain, the centers of reason and logic, drains down to protect your vital organs. This is not good news. Why? Because the more angry you become, the more unable you are to think clearly! You have probably experienced that. Just when you are at your loudest, wanting to deal the deathblow to prove your righteous position, you cannot think. Then, you often say one of the best things you'll ever regret!

When the body goes into arousal, NOTICE! If you are talking to someone at the time, think hard! It is important to your well-being and the health of your relationships to answer this question: What do I want as a result of this exchange?

If a potentially volatile volley of words, accusations, and threats are likely to erupt, leave. No, this is not "running away from a fight". This is just informed decision-making. There is one important often-missed step: You must tell the person that you are leaving and when you will return to discuss the issue.

This is the difference between being responsible and being a "hit-and-run" offender. Take care of the relationship. Do not abandon the other person. Simply say, "I'm too angry now and I'm likely to say things I don't mean. I'll be back in two hours and let's discuss this then.” If it is in the work setting, acknowledge your desire to work out the issue, and promise to get back to them within two hours to set a time to talk further. This is not easy, but it is effective… and essential to managing conflict productively!

Why two hours or more? Simple. It takes a full ninety minutes for the blood to return to your centers of reason and logic and your heartbeat to return to normal. It makes good sense to wait. It demonstrates that you care about yourself AND the relationship.

Remove
Regroup
Refocus
Return

Red may incite bulls but to humans it means ‘STOP!’. Remove yourself. Regroup your thoughts and feelings. Re-focus on the outcome you want. Return to manage the conflict productively. Immediate benefits: Control, Competence and Confidence. And, healthier relationships with yourself and others.

So, when you see ‘red’, act quickly: remove, regroup, refocus, return. It’s worth it!

Rhoberta Shaler is an international keynote speaker corporate teambuilder and coach from San Diego, CA, She works with organizations and individuals to improve work-place relationships, build & strengthen teams and manage conflict, anger, and difficult people.Visit her website