What about the kids??

COMMENT: If you have children involved in your relationship, you must, must, must be very careful.  Children see, hear, feel and learn a lot more than we think they do when we are "not getting along" so quietly behind closed doors. Kids are tuned in when they know something's not right.  And kids mimic what they see you doing - or what they think you're doing.  The fastest way to perpetuate the "cycle of abuse" is to stay.  Even if you think you are hiding it from your kids, chances are good that you're not doing a very effective job of it.  They KNOW. And they are going take it out on you, the other kids at school, their teacher, your friends, pretty much anyone they can find who will put up with it... worst case scenario... themselves.

Kids want to protect their parents. Protect them by showing them how to be strong, courageous and self-caring.

RELATIVE EXPERIENCE:  I have one 9 year old boy. The biggest mess my marriage made was of his head! Until my son is back to being the confident, outgoing, creative, vibrant child he was before I met my husband, I will not be able to completely forgive. My son is very bright, very in tune with things. At first he liked the new boyfriend. They did stuff together, they went places, they bought things. But as the relationship progressed, my son began to question me about why "X" was around so much... why did we have to see him every day? Imagine what that poor little kid's mind did when the husband moved in?!?!

SUGGESTIONS:  If you are seeking professional help, get some for your kids too.  You can't be too careful.  Some kids know you love them and they can assimilate the situation just fine, but those ones are rare.  Most kids will internalize what they see and hear, and act out in some way - they might become obsessive about things (school, sports, food, cleanliness, clothes), they might become destructive (taking everything apart, wreaking their clothes, breaking stuff for no apparent reason), they might become withdrawn (not making friends, playing alone a lot, being anti-social), they might just plain abuse you back (hit, yell, call you names, ignore you).  There are lots of programs available - check with your local Mental Health Office (CMHA in Canada) for "Children Who Witness Violence" groups, or other related opportunities.   Get them involved in something supportive so they don't feel all alone in their own little world.